An umbrella term for relationships where everyone involved knows about, and agrees to, romantic or sexual connections with more than one person. It includes polyamory, open relationships, swinging, and relationship anarchy.
Also known as ENM, Consensual non-monogamy, CNM.
What ENM actually covers
ENM isn't one relationship style. It's a category that stretches from tightly scoped arrangements (a couple who opens up once a year at a specific event) to fully non-hierarchical structures where nobody is anybody's "primary" (relationship anarchy). In between sits most of what people picture when they hear the term: polyamorous triads, couples with outside partners, swinging couples, solo poly people who don't rank their relationships or nest with anyone.
What unites all of these is the same thing: everyone involved knows the shape of the structure and agreed to it. That's the whole definition. Everything else is variation.
Current research estimates somewhere between 3 and 7 percent of adults in Western countries are in a consensually non-monogamous relationship at any given time, with much higher lifetime numbers (a frequently cited Kinsey Institute study by Haupert and colleagues found more than 1 in 5 single Americans had tried it, though the figure is debated). Whatever the exact number, ENM isn't niche anymore.
Where people get it wrong
It's not cheating by another name. The whole point is that everyone knows. If someone tells you they're ENM but their partner doesn't actually know, that's just infidelity with better marketing.
It doesn't mean no jealousy. Plenty of experienced ENM people feel jealous. What changes isn't the feeling, it's the response. Jealousy becomes information instead of a verdict.
"More sex" isn't the goal. A lot of people assume ENM is about volume. In practice, it's often about specificity. Certain needs met by certain people, rather than loading one relationship with everything. Logistics can make frequency lower than people expect.
"Ethical" doesn't mean you've arrived. People coerce partners into opening up and call it ethical because a "yes" was technically given. The word points at an ideal. It doesn't issue it.
Related terms you'll see
- Polyamory
A form of ENM focused on multiple loving, committed relationships. Emphasis on the emotional, not just the sexual.
- Open relationship
Usually describes a committed pair who agree to outside sexual (and sometimes romantic) connections, though the shape varies.
- Relationship anarchy
Rejects the cultural ranking of romantic relationships above other forms of connection. The most structurally permissive form of ENM.
Frequently asked questions
Is ethical non-monogamy the same as cheating?
No. In ENM, everyone involved knows about and has agreed to the structure. Cheating, by definition, happens without a partner's knowledge or consent.
What is the difference between ENM and CNM?
The terms are used interchangeably. CNM stands for consensual non-monogamy; ENM stands for ethical non-monogamy. Some practitioners prefer CNM because 'ethical' can imply non-monogamy is presumptively unethical. Others prefer ENM because it names an ideal beyond bare consent.
How common is ethical non-monogamy?
Around 3 to 7 percent of adults in Western countries are currently in an ENM relationship at any given time. Lifetime figures are higher. A frequently cited Kinsey Institute study found more than 1 in 5 single Americans had tried it, though the figure is debated.
Is ENM a single relationship structure?
No. ENM is an umbrella term covering a range of structures including polyamory, open relationships, swinging, solo polyamory, and relationship anarchy.